Smoky, oaky fumes awaken my nostrils with a jump scare as the smooth, thick glass kisses my lips. Heavy in my hand, I know it is expensive. I toss my head back. The sudden but familiar rush of harsh smoky scotch whiskey lights up my mouth and races down my throat. Shock, nausea and merry light-headedness all at once. My vision and hearing channels are cut for just a second. When I recover from this overwhelmed state they dialled back in even higher then before. Soft chatter, clinking of glasses, the faint, muffled sounds of Fifth Avenue at 6pm, lemongrass reed-freshener, stale alcohol, obnoxious perfume.
This is pretty good. Lots of really descriptive language here to help put us in the scene. One small critique: in a short paragraph, you use smoky to describe Scotch twice. Recognizing the first use is to describe aroma, while the second is taste. You could strengthen it by using different descriptors. For instance: The sudden but familiar rush of [liquid ash] lights up my mouth and races down my throat. That way, you introduce a new sense, a one that kind of adds tension because liquid ash does not sound pleasing, but the sense of “lighting up my mouth” makes it nice. Another small item is “My vision and hearing channels are cut for just a second.” This is more tell-y than show-y. What are you seeing? What are you hearing? Rather than telling us they are cut, tell us what you are seeing and hearing. “My eyes trace dark phantoms like shadows thrown from a non-existent discoball. In my ears, a morse code dial tone repeating some message I could probably have decoded when I was a fresh Eagle Scout.” Those are not necessarily great, but they describe the senses. Overall, you captured the bar well and had a lot of sensory focus.
The musky smell of bourbon and scotch engulfs the room. Neon lights above the rusty bar stools and bottles of liquor behind the bar counter. The crowd of people and their voices are almost deafening. I place my warm palm on my forehead and wipe off the sweat droplets from my fuzzy brow. I feel a bone in my left arm vibrate as the music from the speakers plays very loudly in my ears. I feel overwhelmed so I decide to order three scotch whiskey shots and I instantly pound them down. I feel a lot better now. After a few minutes, the buzz that I have aquired eases my tenseness and makes me feel confident enough to talk to the girls sitting next to me.