Another day of common meter using the xaxa rhyme scheme - today writing about a “Ballerina”. One piece of universal advice for myself as much as to everyone else is to not have the language sounding forced and contorted to squeeze it into the meter. The goal of writing in rhythm is for it to sound seamless, with language that is still natural to ordinary parlance. Good luck and enjoy!
1 Like
These swirling tutus cover dreams
Unseen from stage or ground
All jumping, sliding, slick with sweat
Where air is twirling round
Some flowers flood the wooden floor
Just past the playing pit
She stands and swoops her arm and bows
Derserving all of it
2 Likes
Very nice stuff, the flowers on the stage are good imagery that set up the whole scene if this was to develop into a full song - and there would be plenty of themes to dive into! It is amazing how the simple reference to the playing pit automatically fills our minds with the instruments, the musicians, the conductor etc. The power of association is an incredible thing!
1 Like
Critiquing myself: my last line, I think, is super weak. You can tell that I forced a rhyme which didn’t add much. Her feeling deserving is good, but the “all of it” is not strong. But, I really hung on to the pit image and took the easy way out.
1 Like
Yes the last line is certainly forced as a pronoun like “it” can’t ever really justify a stressed syllable podium.
1 Like
I’ll have to catch up on these tonight sorry folks! Its been hectic here
2 Likes
Toes that bend and morph to shape
Dreams that small girls have
Beauty comes with years of pain
From when that dream began
Black swans don’t take flight overnight
They always start out small
See the dreams coming to life
Mirrors show it on the wall
This is great! After writing mine and reading this you have wayyy more senses involved in your’s and it all connects well to tell a great story!