O.K team just one final day of tetrameter couplets to try and sharpen this skill. As we are finding the stressed / unstressed syllables are not an exact science, but the lines need to have a rhythmic flow to them somewhere between too forced and too loose. That’s the art we are aiming at, and today we will practice using the prompt of a “rocking chair on the front porch”. Enjoy!
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This porch, this chair, they were earned
Wars were fought, lessons learned
There were lives: some taken, some saved
There was blood that still stains this blade
There were soldiers, men, women, kids
No fear, no remorse for the things I did
They had orders and I had mine
We would never say war crimes
No thoughts while whittling this old stick
Old hauntings that I’d rather kick
All my life earned this pension
Rocking here, easing all tension
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I sit and watch the setting sun
The growing twilight has begun
The southern splendour of a flaming sky
Warms my heart as I breathe a sigh
All these evenings sat on the porch
How could I ever wish for more
The air falls cool on my weathered skin
A moment more and then I’ll go in
But first let me gaze in the final glow
As the moon is revealed and the sun must go
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I love how you’ve captured so much character through the language of this vignette. I really get the sense of him trying to justify his actions in life to himself rather than fall into any sort of regret or remorse, trying to rock and whittle away any tension and assure himself that he has done the right things and earned his right to a clear conscience. Lovely stuff well done!
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“The southern splendor of flaming sky” is a wonderful line. For some reason it is full of emotion. You did a much better job with sensory than I did. I kind of got lost in the narrative and only had a few internal and visual senses (unless whittling counts as tactile… ha). “The air falls cool on weathered skin” is another great line. I feel like you have a start to a song here. Great work!
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The swaying feel will take me home
and remind me that I’m not alone
Passed down this line the chair has come
From Dad to me, me to my son
And on dad’s knee i’d watch the storm
That crashed through hills, and would transform
The sky from calm to fearsome foe
and on my knee my son will go
to watch the storms as I once had
and one day, once he is a dad
And I am frail and grey of hair
my grandson will sit upon the rocking chair
(last line doesn’t fit I know!! was just a nice way to wrap it up. and not a huge amount of sense)
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That first line is really good. For me it gets me at two senses: the internal inner ear balance feeling of rocking, as well as tactile feeling of the air flowing back and forth over my skin. The third and fourth lines are really cool to the story, but you can kind of tell that the wording was rearranged to get a rhyme (which is perfect for this exercise, but may not be as strong for songwriting). I love the nostalgia in the lines talking about sitting your father’s lap, that is a super strong emotional connection for me because I loved sitting with my grandfather on his swing under the big pecan tree. Again, one of my favorite sensory devices is the sense of time passing (and that is one that I can never master), and this captures it perfectly. All tied to the chair, the storms, and sitting on fathers’ laps throughout generations. This is really strong.
Very awesome little storyline! This could be used for a song about a veteran. I think this piece is a good example of time passing even though it doesnt specifically say its over a period of time I just feel like thats how this character spends his days.
I feel like this excersice is good for you as its condensing your thoughts down to really show those diamonds we’ve been seeing throughout your writings
@jamie yours is really sense bound. The flaming sky and the cool air hitting skin is exactly what I see most evenings! I think yours really catches the simple magic behind just sitting down and watching the sunset.
I really enjoyed reading both yours!
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Beautiful! There’s a real poetry to this Hugh, a very well done. You could get the last line to fit just by changing “upon” to “on” maybe? “My granson will sit on the rocking chair”. I think the way you have travelled through four generations of time whilst maintaining such a sense of consistency with the chair is expertly achieved - fabulous!
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Yeah I’ve just put this little poem to some chords and your suggested line works alot better, the two lines with commas are abit jarring though, which is interesting when trying to say these excersises to music
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